I'm not really sure if it's the hormones (although I am questionably confident that it's the hormones) or maybe I'm just in a constantly fragile emotional state but lately the most random and trivial things will make me want to cry.
And it's not necessarily a sad kind of crying. It's not an overcome with happiness kind of cry either. It's a really uncomfortable and honest mix of them both and I say honest because I feel like these are the only times I can really let go of whatever suit of armour I've been wearing to fool the people around me.
Usually it happens when I'm listening to music.
The most obvious is The Shire's Theme piece from the LOTR symphony which is, really, not that surprising since that music is pure genius and you would have to be pretty cold not to be moved by it. I'm grinning like an idiot during the gorgeous sweet melody of the whistle. As the strings take over and the fiddle starts playing, the grin fades and my eyes start tearing up and my heart swells along with the whole orchestra. When the whistle comes back in the tears and then I'm a mess for the rest of the piece. Weird? Emotionally and mentally unstable? Basically, yeah.
Don't even get me started on Holst's Jupiter. Although this one might be because of the memories of Europe that accompany the flood of emotions this piece of music brings. Especially the glorious ballad section in the middle.
And then there are songs that are just so beautiful such as Bastille's Oblivion (and the depressing as hell lyrics don't help much either). Is it sad that I'll start singing along and just get choked up and sing more off-tune than usual and just sit and stop? That was rhetorical. We all know the answer.
Which brings me to my last collection of songs and probably (read definitely) my favourite.
Disney.
Old Disney classics.
Break my heart.
I can't decide whether it's the fact that I'm reminiscing on a much happier, care free time in my life or just that the songs from Disney are just perfect in themselves. I've concluded that's a mixture os both. Just like how much emotions are a mixture of pure happiness and anger and grief and anxiety and peace all mixed together to produce the mess that is me.
I've actually decided to put aside all the homework and studying and work that urgently calls to be done just s I can rewatch my favourite Disney movies. I watched Mulan last night and I was tearing up during the opening sequence. I wish I was exaggerating. And yes I did sing along to 'Reflection' and 'I'll make a man out of you' and 'A girl worth fighting for' and no I have no regrets.
Watching that movie I just stopped caring. I stopped worrying and oh my word it was such an amazing experience. I put aside all the fears I have about going back to school. I forgot about the fact that I'm so disappointed in myself because I can't do a freaking math question. I didn't worry about the future and how I probably won't ever find love or a career I'm passionate about. I most certainly did not care about the fact that I don't have abs or skinny thighs or pretty eyes.
Because you know what? Mulan was told over and over again that she'll never bring honour to herself or her family and she didn't listen to them. She did what she wanted and what she believed was right and she didn't give a damn about the rules or the social norms and then she went and saved the whole freaking country of China.
So I'm not really in the mood to care or worry or concern myself with any of that materialistic and superficial crap bestowed upon me by society. I have decided that I have a dream and a vision and I am going to do everything in my power to make that come true and I don't care if I'm bawling my eyes out as I do as long as that tin whistle/fiddle melody exists in my brain.
