Sometimes I wish I could just disappear into the background.
It’ll happen in the middle of some kind of social event, maybe a dinner or a
party where everyone is talking to each other and having fun. It’ll suddenly
strike me how much I am lying to myself. How much I am pretending just so no
one asks me questions or worse, asks if I'm OK
I would feel so alone in a room full of people and so tired with so much energy around me. Something pulls at my heart. Well, it’s more like some dark pit in the depths of my stomach. I feel this intense longing to just fade in with the shadows, melt into the walls and pretend I’m not really there. But I am.
So I’ve perfected the facade of acting like I’m present when really my mind’s in a completely different world. It’s quite easy once you know how. You watch and look even if you’re not truly seeing. When someone says something witty and everyone laughs, you crack a smile and laugh along even if you have absolutely no idea what just happened. When their faces are serious, you give the occasional nod towards the speaker or look like you're concentrating. If half the people are laughing but the other half aren’t, just smile.
And when they ask you questions, give them the answer they want to hear, short, sweet, and subtly add in a new topic for them to become distracted on. They'll probably end up concluding that you're a bland, dull, slow-witted person, and, well, maybe I am.
I would feel so alone in a room full of people and so tired with so much energy around me. Something pulls at my heart. Well, it’s more like some dark pit in the depths of my stomach. I feel this intense longing to just fade in with the shadows, melt into the walls and pretend I’m not really there. But I am.
So I’ve perfected the facade of acting like I’m present when really my mind’s in a completely different world. It’s quite easy once you know how. You watch and look even if you’re not truly seeing. When someone says something witty and everyone laughs, you crack a smile and laugh along even if you have absolutely no idea what just happened. When their faces are serious, you give the occasional nod towards the speaker or look like you're concentrating. If half the people are laughing but the other half aren’t, just smile.
And when they ask you questions, give them the answer they want to hear, short, sweet, and subtly add in a new topic for them to become distracted on. They'll probably end up concluding that you're a bland, dull, slow-witted person, and, well, maybe I am.
The trick is bringing yourself back. You have to know how to reconnect yourself so that you don't completely lose touch with reality. Because once you do, there's no pretending anymore, it becomes real. And you don't want it to be real.
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